A Right to Blame
by DonnellyFan
Summary: Jimmy's addictions are tearing everyone apart and Tommy is trying to hold everyone together.
1. Chapter 1

**A Right to Blame**

_There is a luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves, we feel that no one else has a right to blame us.  
__ Oscar Wilde_**  
**

* * *

** A/N: Sorry it's been awhile, and that this is all I have to show for it. I have different ideas running through my head right now for the boys and I thought I would just post the start to one of them. Once again, who knows where it's going. **

* * *

Nine o'clock. Tuesday night. They had been sitting in the stale emergency waiting room for nearly an hour, but Tommy waited until finally Sean moved from the near cracking plastic seat to go buy a soda. Tommy leaned in then, hesitating a moment, and said it. 

"Jimmy needs to go to rehab."

Kevin's head turned quickly at the softly spoken words. He sat up straighter, starting shaking his head. "Tommy—"

"Listen. Kevin, stop," he said. Kevin was trying to interrupt. Tommy kept his voice steady. "This is it. No more."

"It's one time, Tommy."

"It's not one time."

"It is."

It wasn't the first time. It wouldn't be the last time. Granted, it had never taken them to the hospital before, but Jimmy was always drinking too much, popping too much, shooting up too much. When he disappeared into the bathroom at the Firecracker and didn't come out it wasn't news. The news was when Tommy went in to drag him out and he wasn't breathing.

"He won't go, Tommy."

"I wasn't thinking about asking his opinion about it, Kevin."

Kevin slid down in his chair, resting his chin on his chest as he stared straight ahead. The chair creaked with his movement.

There was silence.

He couldn't do that to Jimmy. It was like jail. Sending his brother to jail. It was like abandonment. It was the worst thing someone could do.

"I'm not helping you."

"Kevin." Tommy's voice was soft but firm.

"Do you know what they do to people in there?" Kevin said. He didn't know, really, but that was what Jimmy had said last time Tommy had broached the subject.

"I know he's gonna kill himself if he doesn't stop, Kevin."

And Kevin's head turned, just slightly, catching Tommy's eye. That determined look there. Tommy didn't want to let this one go.

"It's help, Kevin. Jimmy needs help."

"Then we'll help him."

Tommy shook his head. It just wasn't working that way.

--

It was harder really, when Jimmy tried not to. Sean noticed it sometimes. Jimmy's eyes were less glazed over then but they were harder, red-rimmed. Angrier. Jimmy off of alcohol, off of drugs— that Jimmy wasn't happy.

Tommy was finishing paperwork when Sean and Kevin entered the room and found Jimmy grinning there, that crooked smile. You would think there was nothing wrong in the world. Like he had won the lottery. But he was drumming his fingers on the side rail of the bed. Antsy. In need. "Hey."

"Hey. You dumbass," Sean said.

Jimmy laughed. That cackle laugh. As if to say, hey, it happens to the best of us. "What can I say," he said.

Kevin was quiet next to them. Because he was thinking about it. And maybe it wasn't the worse thing. He looked at Jimmy there in the bed, the IV in his arm, the pale face and the red-rimmed eyes, and wondered what it would be like.

"Tommy thinks you should go to rehab." There. He said it. Sean was staring at him. There was a silence.

"Fuck that, Kevin. Rehab? Tommy said that?"

"I'm just saying."

"What the hell, Kevin. Rehab? Do I look like a crazy person?"

Sometimes, Kevin wanted to say. He glanced at Sean, who was quiet now, and then back to Jimmy. "No."

"Tommy would like that, wouldn't he. He'd like that a lot."

"He didn't mean it like that, Jimmy." Kevin's arms were crossed in a way that made it look like he was cold. But he wasn't cold.

"So you're on his side?"

"No."

"Then why did you bring it up?"

"I'm just saying."

"You're just saying." The words came through gritted teeth.

He couldn't talk to Jimmy like this. There was a fire behind Jimmy's eyes now and you could hear it in his words. It was either agree with him or else. Kevin wasn't about to push Jimmy when he saw that look in his eyes, even if he was confined to a hospital bed.

"C'mon, Jimmy."

Jimmy shook his head. "Get lost, Kevin."

Kevin stared at him, and Jimmy stared right back, not breaking his gaze. Was he serious or was it just words? Kevin couldn't tell.

Sean looked back and forth between his two brothers. Kevin looked annoyed now and Jimmy looked, well, enraged. The stare down only lasted a few seconds before Kevin muttered something under his breath and left the room, slamming the door behind him.

Sean looked at Jimmy. "Jimmy—"

"Don't even start, Sean."

Sean just gave a defeated shrug and sank into one of the chairs positioned in the room for visitors. He scooted it closer to his bed and started to untwist the cap off his soda, but frowned when he saw what Jimmy was doing.

Jimmy had swung his legs over the side of the bed and was pulling the IV from his arm, tape first, and then sliding out the needle. "I'm outta here."

Sean cringed at the sight and had to look away but didn't do anything to stop him.

"Hey," came an interruption from the doorway. Tommy. "What're you doing, Jimmy?"

Jimmy looked up. "Leaving," he spat.

"They gotta release you, you know."

"Not soon enough. Seany, get my shoes, they're over there."

Sean gave Tommy a hesitant look but went to get the shoes from their perch on the narrow windowsill.

Tommy moved closer the bed that Jimmy was now sitting on the side of, but Jimmy threw up a hand. "Relax, Jimmy."

"Don't, Tommy. Don't tell me to fucking relax."

Tommy shrugged, taking a generous step back. "Fine, Jimmy. That's just fine." His voice was tinged with a sarcastic undertone, but he was beyond fighting at this point. He glanced around. "Where's Kevin?"

Sean felt Tommy's eyes on him. He gave a small shrug.

"Didn't he come here with you?"

"Yeah," Jimmy said through a bitter laugh. He pulled on one shoe and reached for the other. "Kevin thinks I should go to rehab."

The expression on Tommy's face changed.

"Story is, you think so too."

"You know, Jimmy, yeah. It wouldn't be the worst idea."

Jimmy let out a snort. "Glad you think so highly of me, Tommy."

"Look at you, Jimmy. Just take a step back and look."

"Fuck you." Jimmy rose to his feet, looking unsteady at first, but his expression soon covered it. "You're gone, Tommy, busy with your own things, and then you step back into the picture and think you know something? Think you can push me out?"

"Push you out? Push you out, Jimmy?" Tommy raised his eyebrows. "Outta what?"

Jimmy ignored the question, continuing. "So why don't you go back to your little school and forget about us," he said sharply. "Hm? You're pretty good at that."

Tommy was silent, his lips pressed tightly together, eyes hard. It took every bit of his self control not to slug Jimmy. He stared at him, the hard eyes, the small trickle of blood on his arm from the pulled IV, and he fought off the guilt that ate him from the inside. He knew, if anything, that he should stay in that room.

But he couldn't.

Sean leaned against the windowsill, something inside him tightening when he looked at his brother, just the two of them in the room.

Jimmy shot his youngest brother a challenging sneer. "You leaving too?"

Sean shook his head. "No," he said softly. But part of him wanted to.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**A Right to Blame - 2  
**

* * *

For someone who rarely took the time to replace empty handles of liquor or the dull, flickering light bulb in the bathroom, it was a wonder that Jimmy even owned a bar with a regular clientele. Granted, this included the several old men who couldn't hold their drink and had long lost their welcome at some of the more popular pubs, but it was a clientele all the same. Even then, the truth of the matter was that the majority of any day at the Firecracker was without a customer in sight. And for those who had grown prone to spending their waking hours at the place, this led to boredom.

"If we served things a little fancy, I bet we could have more people in here." Sean was looking around at the empty, dusty bar with a frown. It could be a goldmine. Instead it was a dingy hole in the wall, but no one else really seemed to care. He glanced at Kevin, who hadn't looked up. "Kevin."

"What." Kevin was slouched over yesterday's crossword, but Sean wasn't concerned with interrupting this. Kevin had never solved a crossword in his life.

"Fancy. Like spinning the bottles. Tossing them and stuff. _Cocktail_ stuff."

"That's dumb."

"It's not."

Kevin lifted his head. "It is. Why don't you go work at the Ninth Avenue Bistro?" This was a gay bar.

"Funny, Kevin. Good one. You would know that place."

Kevin made a face at him.

"You could care a little too, you know."

"I care."

"Yeah, I can tell."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kevin demanded. He didn't take well to being told what to do by his younger brother and it showed in his face. "Huh, Sean?" When Sean didn't answer he took the last swallow of beer from the bottle he had been nursing and slid it with a slight spin over the bar. It shattered to the floor.

"Kevin!"

"If you were fancy, you could have caught that."

"What's the matter with you?" Sean glared at him. Kevin was never much for words, he was more apt to venture onto the physical side of things. If he were pissed, he would punch you in the face or break something. Sean stared at the amber glass slices scattered on the floor next to him. "Seriously."

Kevin just shrugged one shoulder.

"You could take a little pride in the place too."

"Don't, Sean."

"All you do is sit around and drink the stock. You and Jimmy."

Kevin's face hardened. He gave a pointed look to the beer Sean himself was drinking and was about to open his mouth to comment on it but the door to the Firecracker opened and Tommy was there, his eyes scanning the room.

"Where's Jimmy?"

There was no response to his question and as Tommy approached the bar he noticed the murderous look that Sean was shooting Kevin. It usually took quite a bit to get Sean annoyed, which made Tommy almost curious, but he tried to ignore it altogether.

"Have you seen him today?"

"No." Kevin twisted slightly around in the barstool and gave Tommy a long look. It had been two days since the hospital and he had barely exchanged a word or glance with Jimmy since. "Why?"

Tommy didn't answer. "Seany?"

"Nope."

"He wasn't here when you got here?"

"No," Sean repeated.

Tommy lifted up the side of the bar to step behind it and looked down with a frown as the ground beneath his shoes crackled with the broken glass. He slowly lowered the flap of wood back down and shot a frown to Sean.

Sean sent a pointed look in Kevin's direction.

Kevin found himself under the hard scrutiny of both brothers, and immediately concentrated his eyes back down at the blank crossword in front of him.

Tommy watched him for a moment. Then he looked back at Sean. "Try and call him."

Sean was still glaring at the lowered curly head. "Kevin."

"I think Tommy told you to do something, Sean."

Sean's continued to glare.

Tommy shook his head and started to rummage around in the ice for a beer. He came up with two empty bottles before giving up. Ridiculous. He scanned the near empty liquor handles behind the bar. "This place shouldn't even be open."

Neither answered. They glanced around the dirty place, the broken barstool in the corner, the marred pool table in the back. If anything, it was a perfect reflection of Jimmy.

"Call Jimmy, Sean."

Sean rolled his eyes at Tommy's repeated request but flipped open his phone, making the call he knew would go nowhere. Jimmy hadn't had his cell phone on all day. He shook his head a moment later.

"Try Joanie."

Sean did. She picked up.

Tommy found the phone held out to him a second later. "Hey," he said. Joanie's voice sounded more gravelly than usual on the line. "Is Jimmy there?" A couple moments of silence, and then, "Yeah, I'm gonna swing by." Tommy flipped the phone off and held it out to Sean.

"What's up?"

"Jimmy's there. Kevin, come on."

"Where am I going?"

"To find Jimmy," Tommy said as he made his way out from behind the bar. "Sean, you alright here?"

Sean frowned at him. It wasn't like he was being invited with. "Yeah. Whatever."

--

Joanie's apartment smelled of dampness and week old garbage. It was dark, dusty, and you didn't need to look hard to see discarded syringes or the faint remains of coke lines on the coffee table. Tommy had only been there a few times, and each time before was for a similar reason.

"I can't wake him," Joanie was saying. Jimmy was sprawled across a sinking couch that may have had a flowered pattern at one time but now looked nothing more than a faded brown. She had sunk into another raggedy chair as soon as unlocking the door to let them in and it didn't look like she had given the idea much effort to begin with.

Kevin stood by the doorway and felt too tired to even move much further into the apartment. What was the point? He watched as Tommy roughly shook Jimmy's shoulder.

No response.

Another hard shake.

"Tommy," Kevin started. He didn't see any point to it. "Just leave him, Tommy."

Tommy didn't answer; he tried lightly slapping at Jimmy's face.

"Tommy, you're just being an ass. Just leave him."

"Kevin, shut up." Tommy tried another hard shake and when he got no response he straightened up. He stared at his passed out brother for a second and then glanced back at Kevin, who was giving him a look. The 'you were mean to me so I'm not going to do anything you say' look. "Help me out?"

Kevin crossed his arms over his chest and looked away toward Joanie, who had leaned her head back and closed her eyes. She looked pale, her blonde hair disheveled.

"Kevin." Tommy wasn't asking anymore.

Kevin looked back. "What's the big deal, Tommy?"

"Jimmy needs to sort something out. Today."

Kevin raised his eyebrows, as if to say, so?

"Ma got some friendly visitors this morning, looking to make a drop off. They said they'd be back this afternoon."

"At home?"

"Yeah, Kevin, at home."

Kevin frowned. It was one thing for Jimmy to have his lifestyle. It was another for it to cross their mother's path. It made sense now why Tommy seemed so pissed and set on waking up Jimmy.

"You're doing it wrong."

Tommy watched as Kevin moved forward and grabbed Jimmy's arm, starting to pull him off the couch. It was like he had done it before. Joanie had opened her eyes at that point and frowned at him.

"Stop, Kevin."

"Shut up, Joanie." Kevin shot her a look. He liked Joanie enough, but sometimes he blamed her for dragging Jimmy down. Other times he blamed Jimmy for dragging her down.

At this point, Tommy had grabbed Jimmy's other arm and they were able to have him land on the floor with a successful thud.

"Fuck." The impact of Jimmy's head hitting the floor had woken him right up. He opened blurry eyes and saw Kevin first. Jimmy took an angry swipe at the younger's leg as he pulled himself into an awkward sitting position. When he saw Tommy his face darkened even more. "What do you want?"

"It's Thursday. Ma had some visitor's this morning," Tommy said slowly. "You know anything about that?"

Something washed over Jimmy's face.

"Take care of it," Tommy said.

Jimmy was already making his way to unsteady feet and that was that. Tommy didn't stay for more conversation.

As they left, Kevin threw a goodbye to Joanie, not exchanging any words with Jimmy. They started down the stairs, which felt crooked and creaky.

"Tommy."

"What."

"Why'd you even need me for that."

Tommy didn't answer. Truth was, it was for selfish reasons. He was using Kevin as a buffer against Jimmy's usual volatility. It seemed to lessen some of the pent up rage Jimmy seemed to have stored against Tommy ever since he started spending more time at school. Although lately Jimmy just seemed pissed at everyone.

They stepped outside of the old apartment building and Tommy flipped the collar of his coat up against the wind.

"Go back to the Firecracker," he said as they paused on the corner. He studied Kevin, still wondering at the lack of exchange he had seen between him and Jimmy. "Clean up your mess."

"That's Sean's mess."

"Kevin."

Kevin squinted at him against the sun. "Fine. Where are you going?"

"I'll come by later."

"That's not what I asked, Tommy."

"Just go, Kevin. I'll see you later."

Kevin watched him for a minute, and knew Tommy wasn't going to give an inch. He was like that lately. Secretive. Off on his own. It was different, and Kevin didn't like it. The truth was, he had been glad when Tommy asked him with come with. He had been starting to think Tommy wanted nothing to do with them.

"Okay, buddy?"

"Yeah," Kevin said. "That's fine."

--


	3. Chapter 3

**A Right to Blame - 3  
**

* * *

**  
**Jimmy was back at the Firecracker before Kevin ever was and he found Sean still tucked behind the bar, face tilted down over some book. 

"Since when do you read?"

Sean raised his head. His brother was staring at him, a small smile on his face. It seemed foreign. Jimmy's appearance was marked by bloodshot eyes and disheveled hair but his face seemed relaxed. Sean let the worn book fall closed and sat up slightly. "I read."

"Since when?"

Sean rolled his eyes and gave a small shrug. "We get quizzes."

"Quizzes?" Jimmy repeated. He smirked and grabbed the book. _Of Mice and Men._ He had had to read that once. He couldn't remember it. "What's her name?"

"Her name?"

Jimmy raised an eyebrow.

"Becky," came the admittance.

"Falling for an intellectual there, Seany?"

"Very funny." Sean pulled the book away from him and leaned his elbows forward on the bar. He stared at Jimmy, wondering where he had been. What Tommy had wanted with him. "You want a drink?"

"Nah." Jimmy shook his head as he took a seat on a stool, seemed jittery.

Sean almost wanted him to take the offer. He didn't exactly like Jimmy coming off of alcohol. Or drugs. Whatever it was that was making his eyes red. The problem was that Jimmy wouldn't have just one. It was hard for him to find a happy medium. He couldn't stop just at a buzz. Then a couple drinks in and Jimmy wanted to start a fight. He got angry. Pissed at anyone he could find a reason to be pissed at. Sometimes anyone he couldn't find a reason to be pissed at.

But Jimmy said he could quit if he wanted. What Sean really didn't understand was how Jimmy thought that. If he thought he could quit—if he really did believe that—then why didn't he?

Jimmy was staring at the wall in silence.

"Tommy find you?"

Jimmy's eyes went to him. Watched him. "Yeah."

"What'd he want?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Don't worry your pretty head, Seany. It was nothing. You know Tommy."

"What'd he want?"

"I said it was nothing, Sean," Jimmy said. He shot him an irritated look and got up from the stool, seeming stiffer than his years. He limped toward the bathroom. "I'll be right back."

Sean watched his back, hesitated. Noticed the way he was already pulling up his sleeve. "Jimmy."

Jimmy turned, waiting for the rest of it. Nothing came. Just the look. Sean's uncertainty. Like he wanted to accuse him at something, but just wasn't sure. Jimmy's gaze hardened. "I need to take a piss, Seany," he said sharply. "What, you wanna come watch me?"

"That's not what…" Sean trailed off.

"That's what I thought."

Sean let out a breath as the bathroom door pulled shut. He didn't know whether he trusted Jimmy. Or if he even should.

--

The empty place setting reminded Tommy of when they were kids and his mother still accidentally set the table for six. Only that was a long time ago and there were five places now, with only Jimmy being the one missing.

He wasn't the only one looking at the plate. So was Helen Donnelly. "Where is he this time?" It wasn't really a question in her voice but more of an annoyed observation at Jimmy's absence.

Tommy looked away from the plate and at her. She raised an eyebrow, expecting an answer.

"I don't know, Ma," he said.

Helen turned her eyes on Kevin next, who gave a shrug and sank into a chair at the table. He glanced at the plate for only a second.

"He might be late." Sean spoke up before she tried him next. The three eyes shot to him. "He, uh…" Sean played with the end of his shirt for a minute. Jimmy's trip to the bathroom had loosened him up, and last time Sean checked he was drinking whiskey like it was water. "He had some errands to run."

Helen just shook her head with a mutter as she moved back toward the stove to check on their dinner. She knew Jimmy didn't run errands. Helen Donnelly wasn't dumb.

Tommy shot a look to Sean. "Jimmy at the bar?"

"Yeah."

Tommy leaned back. He figured as much. He shifted in his chair and Kevin shot him a look.

"Leave him, Tommy."

"What?"

"Just leave him there."

"I wasn't going anywhere, Kevin."

The conversation halted as Helen came back with the steaming casserole. Her mouth was in a tight line.

"That looks good, Ma," Kevin said. He reached to pick at a piece on the side of the dish and she swatted his hand away. Which was fine until she picked up Tommy's plate to serve first. Then he frowned. Sean gave him a smirk.

Dinner was quiet.

They were almost done eating when Jimmy decided to make an appearance at the apartment. They heard him first; the rattle of the door handle, the letting the door hit the wall. His footsteps sounded clumsy, halting every few steps. Knocking into something.

Tommy got to his feet, his intention to prevent any kind of scene in front of their mother. He heard another chair slide back as he reached the doorway.

"Stay, Kevin," he said without turning.

When Jimmy saw Tommy approaching him in the hallway, he threw his hands up in the air. "Tommy," he exclaimed. There was a big smile on his face, but it wasn't a friendly smile. Tommy's face remained unmoved. "If it isn't my favorite person..."

"Jimmy, not in front of Ma."

"What." Jimmy shook his head at him.

"You're drunk, Jimmy."

"Don't judge me, Tommy." The unfriendly smile was gone, replaced instead with a scowl. "Don't. It's… Better yet, don't get in my way."

Tommy was blocking Jimmy's path. He didn't move, even with the implied threat.

"_Move_, Tommy."

His brother wasn't going anywhere. "Ma doesn't need to see you like this."

"Fuck you, Tommy. God forbid I come home…" Jimmy trailed off, like he forgot what he was going to say. He was in Tommy's face now and Tommy could smell the liquor on his breath. He could see the unfocused pupils struggling to glare at him. The disheveled hair that looked like it hadn't been combed in days.

He missed the fact that Jimmy was about to shove him up against the wall. Seconds later, that was exactly what happened. It was a clumsy attempt and Tommy wasn't going to retaliate, but Kevin, who never listened, and who never stayed when you told him to, thought differently about the whole thing. He was there and he was shoving Jimmy back.

"Get _off_, Kevin."

"Kevin." Tommy grabbed his brother by the arm. His whole intent was to prevent a scene, or any amount of noise. The last thing he wanted was a drunken brawl in his mother's hallway. They didn't need to get her involved in Jimmy's latest problems.

"What the hell, Kevin." Jimmy's words were a little slurred. But then his eyes went to the doorway.

And there stood Helen Donnelly, eyes of fire, expression of stone.

"Have you been drinking, Jimmy?"

"No," Jimmy scoffed. His expression spoke volumes. He thought it was the stupidest question in the world.

Helen's face darkened at the lie. She glanced at Tommy, whose face was stoic and hard to read. And at Kevin, who looked ready to fight.

"Get out," she said, looking back at Jimmy.

"What?" Jimmy laughed. A dangerous thing to do.

"Ya heard me."

Jimmy stepped closer to her. "You're kicking me out?"

Kevin moved forward, as if Jimmy would ever lay a hand on her, but Tommy grabbed his arm again and pulled him back, though this time not as roughly.

There was a moment stare down between mother and son, an out of place comical expression on Jimmy's face. But it was Jimmy who blinked first.

As he left, Helen Donnelly rolled her eyes to the ceiling, but not having any words for God.

Jimmy slammed the door behind him and Tommy let go of Kevin, who didn't move away.

And Sean, from the doorway to the kitchen, knew he shouldn't trust Jimmy.


End file.
